Forget relationship ‘red flags’ – these ‘beiges’ are just as worrying: expert

You’ve heard of the red flags in relationships, but what are the “beige flags”?

Everyone knows to run at the sight of a red flag, while the beige ones have slipped under the radar and aren’t as in-your-face.

The latter are more subtle behaviors or signs in a relationship that predict a possible conflict or even the possibility of abuse.

The discussion about these types of warning signs has increased with the release of the film adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s novel “I Ends With Us” in which the protagonist Lily Bloom (portrayed by Blake Lively) goes through these experiences with her lover, Ryle Kincaid ( Justin Baldoni).

Cheralyn Leeby Ph.D., LMFT, shared with Psychology Today some relationship beige flags to watch out for.

When aggression prevails

Experiencing “outbursts” and “aggression” is a big indicator of possible future physical abuse in the relationship, according to Leeby.

A 2001 study found that when people show aggressive behavior toward inanimate objects, it is strongly associated with physical abuse in relationships. Another study she cited from 2023 found that coping mechanisms like aggressive actions often escalate into something more serious, like violence and abuse.

Behaviors like this and emotionally charged outbursts are a beige flag to watch out for, she advises.

Jealousy indicates emotional abuse

While subtle signs of jealousy and possessiveness may not seem worrisome at first—they may even come across as endearing—they can become something bigger.

A study has shown that irrational and intense jealousy is an indicator of emotional abuse, especially among young people. Another found a link between jealous behaviors, Leeby noted, such as constant monitoring of actions and baseless accusations, and a fearful environment that leads to addiction and potentially more severe forms of abuse.

It is important to recognize that jealousy is not necessarily a sign of love and affection, and spotting these signs early can prevent further abusive relationships.

Fostering social isolation

Social isolation is a common approach for abusers to gain control over their partners, isolating their support network and making them more dependent on the abuser.

Isolation and lack of friendships can prevent the victim from seeking help or even being unable to recognize abusive patterns.

Leeby noted that this can be subtle at first, appearing as genuine concern for the partner’s well-being, but can eventually lead to isolation and addiction.

Gaslighting that destroys self-esteem and confidence

Gaslighting — where the abuser manipulates their partner into doubting their own perceptions or realities — is a big beige flag to watch out for, Leeby says.

Victims of gaslighting often experience low self-esteem, increased anxiety and a loss of confidence in their own judgment, according to a 2019 study.

While it may not seem like a big deal at the moment, gaslighting can have long-term consequences and leave psychological and emotional scars, making it what Leeby describes as “one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse”.

Alarm expressed by others near you

A 2006 study found that a “significant” percentage of women who were victims of physical abuse reported that their friends or family had shared concerns or warnings about their partners.

External warnings and observations often provide an objective perspective and should be taken seriously, Leeby says, as they can alert the person to the dangers of being blinded by emotional investment or denial.